Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Lunette Menstrual Cup Will Change Your Life

Yes, this post is about periods.  Anyone who feels they can't get over that should really just leave.  Here, read this post instead.  It involves donuts and Ted Nugent and zero blood, except maybe deer blood, because Ted Nugent is made of deer-hating dickcheese.

Ted Nugent, Deer-Hating Dickcheese

But I digress.

This post is about periods because I hate mine and I've always hated mine and now I hate it a little less because I discovered something magical.

Lunette Menstrual Cup

No, I am not being paid by Lunette--in fact, they have no idea I'm writing this.  I'm not even sure they'd be happy if they did because frankly I'm a do I put this...unmarketable?  They'd probably prefer to have, like, Amy Adams as their spokesperson.  She probably doesn't swear and draw sketches of dicks, and when she talks about periods she probably does so in a gentle, soothing voice in an all-white room while referring to things as "monthly flows" and "messes" and "down there."

Whereas imma talk about how the Lunette fuckin' helps you out with all that blood and shit.

First of all, let's discuss the alternatives.

1. Pads

Why pads suck
And wrappers meant for easy disposal with 2 square millimeters of tape for a giant bundle of blood-soaked material.

2. Tampons

Why Tampons Suck

3. Ha, Joke's On You, No One Gives You A Third Option

And that is why I am here to tell you about the Lunette.

Lunette Menstrual Cup
It even comes in a pretty little bag!

Benefits of the Lunette menstrual cup:

1. Environmentally conscious.  It is one tiny piece of medical grade silicone that you can use for years.  You are not wasting insane amounts of plastic like you are when you use tampons or pads.  The factory that makes it is even environmentally friendly and the box it comes in is made of recycled material.

Save the Earth
Save the Earth!

2. Lower risk of TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome).  There have been NO reports of TSS from use of a menstrual cup.

3. Cleanliness.  Medical grade silicone gets CLEAN.  You can boil that shit in vinegar after you use it and you damn well know it's hygienic because you washed it, as opposed to tampons and pads, which are notorious for being unregulated in both their production and their ingredients.  It also, being non absorbent, allows your body to produce all its natural vaginal fluids.  It also allows your body to shed anything it needs to, including blood, cells, discharge and bacteria, because all the cup does is catch it--not absorb it.  Also, no string hanging out picking up bits of poop and pee and other unfavorables.

Tampons are gross

4. Cheaper.  Like, way cheaper.  I have a particularly heavy flow, so I was buying 2 Costco boxes of tampons every 3 months.  Which amounts to $10/month or $120/year.  The only regular cost for me with the cup is the few dollars I spend a year on vinegar to clean it and hydrogen peroxide to clean the sink/tub after I empty it, and the Lunette itself is only $39.99 on Amazon and that lasts for YEARS.

Lunette Menstrual Cup - Clear Model 1

If you don't like Amazon (I mean, I can understand that...they're kind of turning into a monopoly), you can get it directly through the Lunette website:


...or Ebay:

5. Subtler.  Without the string hanging out and shit, no one can tell it's in there.  If you're into oral sex--no one can tell you're on your period.  If you're wearing a bikini or going around naked--no one can see the little string hanging out.  And you don't fucking feel it.  With tampons, I don't know about you guys, but I always feel like I've got a goddamn dildo in there, and not in a fun way.

dildos yes, tampons no

6. Convenience.  While it is not quite as simple to change as a tampon, it only needs to be done every 12 hours.  Which means that I can usually do it in my own bathroom.  It also means I don't have to carry extra tampons on me.  It also means that when I'm backpacking, I don't have to pack out a ziploc full of bloody used tampons and applicators--the blood goes in a hole just like poop, and the cup goes out in me, the way it came in.

Me backpacking in Shenandoah National Park
Notice how content I look?  That is because I am in Shenandoah National Park without any bloody objects in my backpack.

7. Period sex is way better.  You don't get all dried out, which is an obvious plus, and you don't have to try to scrape a new piece of cotton into a dry vagina, so you don't get nearly as sore in there either--all making the idea of sex while on your period WAY more appealing.

The Not-So-Benefits:

1. Changing it is gross.  If you're grossed out by the look and smell of your own blood, my impulse is to tell you to suck it up and learn to deal with it because using this cup is WAY more responsible and awesome, but I do understand that for some people it's a really huge deal.  So if it's a really huge deal, this might not be for you.  If it's not, you should try it, because you really do get used to it eventually.  Besides, there's something much more natural about your blood coming out in a puddle and not tangled up in a nasty piece of cotton.

2. It takes a month or two to get the hang of it down.  The first time I used it, I almost had a panic attack when I couldn't get it back out immediately.  I also had to have a friend who has one show me how to fold it to get it in right.  Once, when I needed to get it out but it wasn't full enough to make it easy, I had to have Tyler help me, which was a little embarrassing.  But it doesn't take long to get a rhythm and a feel and once you do, oh my god, guysSo much better.

Not enough women have heard of this, and while menstrual cups have been around for decades, they've really improved them to where they're honestly like the best thing ever now.

So get out of the dark ages.  Save your leftover tampons for guests and get a Lunette for your ladyparts.  They will thank you.

Thank you for the menstrual cup!!!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

The ACTUAL 10 Sexiest Men in Music

Guys.  GUYS.

I just read a list of the “sexiest men in music” and I fucking kid you not, Harry Styles, Adam Lambert, Drake, and JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER were on the list.

Harry Styles, One Direction
Adam Lambert
Drake, Started from the bottom now I'm here...which is still the bottom
Justin Bieber, the Biebs, the devil's toy dog

...which pissed me off so much that now I’m making my own list.  It may not be perfect, but it will be far superior to what the internet has so far offered me.

The 10 Sexiest Men in Music (in no particular order):

1.  Jack White (The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather)

Jack White, The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather

He's dark, mysterious, and sexy--and not everyone can be so weird-looking and still so hot!

2. Anthony Kiedis (The Red Hot Chili Peppers)

Anthony Kiedis, The Red Hot Chili Peppers

If we pretend these days:

Anthony Kiedis Long Hair

And these:

...never existed.

I mean, really.  He's like the king of sexy dirty funk/rap/punk rock.  It doesn't hurt that he usually performs shirtless too, so we get to see his sexy tattooed body!

Extra shoutout here to Flea too, especially when he was rocking the blue hair!

Flea Blue Hair

3. Jared Leto  (30 Seconds to Mars)

Kinda hard to believe that he's like 40.  I mean everyone else can basically just go home when Jared Leto is there.  This is a shot from a pretty kinky and sexy, albeit creepy, video--30 Seconds to Mars' "Hurricane."

4. Kurt Cobain (Nirvana)

Kurt Cobain, Nirvana

 Is an explanation even necessary here?

5. Brandon Flowers (The Killers)

Brandon Flowers, The Killers

He's got a total good-boy look (any surprise he’s Mormon?), and he's not normally my type, but somehow he is still SO sexy and appealing.

6. Jason Wade (Lifehouse)

Jason Wade, Lifehouse

Make fun of watery, sorta-Christian pop-rock band Lifehouse all you want, but the lead singer is sexy and you all know deep down that the second his scratchy voice starts singing “Hanging By a Moment” you can’t help but sing along.

7. Damon Albarn (Gorillaz, Blur)

Damon Albarn, Gorillaz, Blur

British scruff and genius music?  Yes please.

8. Tyson Ritter (All-American Rejects)

Tyson Ritter, All-American Rejects

Forget that you listened to his music in 7th grade.  He’s got GORGEOUS eyes and a sort of creepy sexy look that makes you seriously swoon even 12 years later.

9. Sufjan Stevens

Sufjan Stevens

You want indie?  You want smolder?  You want someone to sit and drink coffee with you while strumming a guitar on a rainy day?

10. Ryan Kattner a.k.a. Honus Honus (Man Man)

Ryan Kattner, Honus Honus, Man Man

A gritty voice and a shy personality--he’s a tortured soul and it’s oh-so-appealing.  Besides which, check out the immense glory which is that mustache.  I've never seen a man make one of those things look so sexy before.  He's also like the nicest person in the world, which really never hurts.

In case you haven’t noticed, I generally go for either dark and mysterious, or scruffy.  I used to think I had no type, since I frequently find myself attracted to persons all over basically every spectrum, but I’ve started to realize I really do have a couple different types and I just step outside of them when someone stands out to me.

Thankfully I ended up with the sexiest scruffy man a girl can ask for.  And thankfully he doesn’t care when I act like a 14 year-old girl over celebrities!

Who am I missing?  Feel free to post a comment with more sexy male musicians!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Grumpy Flower Meets A Flirtatious Bee

Grumpy Flower said to fuck off