Tuesday, July 29, 2014

It Is Time For The Future. It Is Time...For The Lunette.

Blog Stats, That Escalated Quickly
The last month of blog stats.

Well, that escalated quickly.

I have been writing this blog for three and a half years now, and I have never had a post blow up as much as the one last week about how best to contain the blood pouring out of your nether regions on the regular.  Not even close.

No Ted Nugent, I do NOT want your donuts
Not even the Ted Nugent/Donuts one. Which is my personal favorite.

This told me something very important: that post desperately needed to be written.

And also: I’m less interesting than periods, as a general rule.

Existential Crisis

But I’ll deal with my existential crisis later.

Ladies, it is time to take better care of our genitalia.  It is time to stop accepting the “good enough” that the tampon companies feed us.  It is time to stop shoving wads of unsanitary cotton wrapped in plastic that is wrapped in more plastic up ourselves...

...it is time to join the future.  The future of magical silicone cups that just pop up in there and stay and don’t feel like a dildo and don’t cause insane cramps or TSS or BV or UTI's or any other scary-sounding abbreviations, and actually let you do all the running and jumping and skiing and shit that tampons supposedly let you do (according to their commercials).

Magical Menstrual Cups, Wizard Hats
The Magical Menstrual Cups--Merlin, Gandalf, Fantasia Mickey, Harry Potter, and a generic Wizard (I ran out of wizard hat ideas.  Don't hate me).

It is time to try the Lunette menstrual cup.

For those of you who didn't read the last post or need a refresher, here is a quick rundown of why:

1. Green

I calculated it, and I am using about 3,600 fewer tampons per year.  That is a loooooot of plastic, my friends.  Not to mention the environmental cost of production.  Lunette is not only a greener option because of the reduced waste, they are also a green-minded company, with an environmentally-friendly factory and boxes made of recycled material.  This is reason enough on its own, in my opinion, never mind all the other awesome stuff.

Menstrual cups are MY favorite!

2. Money

I calculated this too, and I am saving about $120 per year with the Lunette.  Even if you subtract the $40.00 initial cost, you still save $80.00 the first year and it goes up to $120 after that--and this thing will last many, many years!  For most women the amount saved is probably even higher (I don’t think the majority of women buy Costco 90-packs like I did).

I stay in your pocket, and out of your vagina! (Unlike the Republicans!)

3. Cleanliness

It is medical grade silicone, so it is non-absorbent and allows your body to shed everything it needs to.  It is not made in some dubious factory that probably drops them on the ground all the time and then puts them back on the assembly line like tampons, and even if it were it wouldn't matter because it is silicone, so you can just boil it in vinegar and you know it's fucking clean.  Probably cleaner than anything else you own.  It's also safer--there have been zero reports of TSS from use of a menstrual cup (unlike tampons).

I'm gross!

4. Comfort

I swear to god you can't tell there's anything in there.  You have to remind yourself to empty it, because you can just forget you're on your period.

Don't forget about me!

5. Convenience

It only has to be changed every 12 hours, which means I almost always get to change it in my own bathroom.  There is no applicator to throw away.  You will never have to touch those nasty bathroom stall wastebins again.  When you're camping you don't have to pack out used tampons.  The blood goes in a hole just like poop.  You don't have to wrap your applicators in TP and bury them in the garbage basket at a guest's house, terrified someone will walk in and see the evidence.  There is no evidence.  It is all inside you.  It is amazing.

There is no appropriate picture for this one, so enjoy this happy clam.

You should know I’m still not getting paid for this, and I wouldn’t accept it if they offered.  I have never promoted a single product I didn’t believe in 100% and I never will, and I think getting paid specifically for doing it takes away from the reader’s trust in that.  But Lunette saw my last post and apparently they don’t think I’m horribly offensive, they think I’m hilarious.

Quality Humor
Me too!  Nothing but quality humor up in here.

They got so excited about it that they not only didn’t ask me to cease and desist, they asked me to do a giveaway!  Which, of course, is at least as exciting for me as it is for them.  It’s like the giving part of Christmas except more important and awesome because it’s for a really good cause plus it’s not the kind of thing you could give someone for Christmas even if you wanted to.

Lunette Menstrual Cup
Though it does come in its own pretty wrapping.

So here’s the giveaway.  There are a few different things you can do to earn extra entries, so be sure to look them through!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

And if you want to go buy one instead of waiting for the giveaway, you can find them on Amazon:

Lunette on Amazon

Or the Lunette Website:

Lunette Store

Good luck ladies!

8 Common Myths About the Founding Fathers (Debunked!)

1. George Washington did not have wooden teeth.

George Washington's Dentures--Wooden Teeth Myth
George Washington's actual dentures.  From MountVernon.org.

They were, however, made of just about everything else.

2. Speaking of GW, that whole cherry tree story is total bullshit.

3. Thomas Jefferson did not have a whole plethora of slave children.  That was a lie made up at the time by his political rivals.

Good ol' TJ
Don't you let them talk bad about you, you strange, badass little man, you.

4. Neither Benjamin Franklin nor Samuel Adams held the office of President.  If you think that sounds obvious, check out this Google result:

People think Benjamin Franklin was a president.
It's NUMBER TWO.  It's before people asking about THOMAS JEFFERSON.

5. Thomas Jefferson did not write--or sign--the Constitution, nor the Bill of Rights.  You're thinking of the Declaration of Independence. This is the most popular myth at the National Constitution Center.

6. Benjamin Franklin did not discover electricity.  It was well known by then.  He was trying to prove the electrical nature of lightning.

Lithograph by Currier & Ives, 1876
What is that kid reaching for?  Trying to get a little extra "charge" out of his love life?

7. Paul Revere didn’t say “The British are coming,” he didn’t ride alone, and he in fact only made it as far as Lexington where he was held up by the British.  Another rider continued on to Concord.

From Cheezeburger.com.  It's funny, but...just...you should know, he wasn't going FOR Boston.  He was going FROM Boston.  People are dumb, but also clever, so what can you do.

8. Last (but certainly not least), July 4th is not the day we gained our independence, or even the day the Declaration was signed.

Declaration of Independence

July 4, 1776 was the day the Declaration was formally adopted (it wasn’t signed by most of them until August).  We did not gain our independence until September 3, 1783 when the Treaty of Paris was signed.

Painting by David Wagner

It's too bad I felt the need to go over these things, guys, but in my defense, this is the kind of thing I'm up against here:

fuck off hurricane, this is 'merica
This American knows just how weather works.

Nothing more patriotic than smashing a flag against your genitals.

A deep understanding of both the Constitution and the role of religion in the establishment of it.

No fucking words.

...and this crazy-ass bitch (which, trust me, is putting it mildly.  I can think of several much more colorful things to call her but I am currently showing self-restraint)...


the right wing has gone off the deep end

truly a psychopath

friendly fire wtf

rape the earth quote (asshole)

women-hating women piss me off

...whom I am neither tagging nor naming (in type) because I hate her so much I don't even want to give her the search engine buzz.

And special thanks to bradblog.com for several of the images.  :)